The Chapstick At The End Of The World

Masterful dystopian novelist here, reporting on the predicted end of the world as we know it.

So, dear readers, shall I advise you to stockpile gold bullion and bullets? Noooo, actually end-of-the-world economics will not be based at all on gold — can’t eat it, and it won’t prevent sunburn or cure warts or do anything else useful, therefore you won’t be able to trade it for much because in addition to being useless, it is heavy to carry around. You and everyone else will have more important things to think about than jewelry.

Ok, what about bullets? Yes, you would think they might be a good medium of exchange, at least until they are all used up or the guns break or rust. But bullets will not be a universal currency — only those with the right type of guns that utilize the type of bullets you happen to have will be interested in bartering with you. And once you’ve given them the bullets for their gun… well, how long will they let you keep the stuff they just gave you for the bullets? Maybe this will work if you have more and better guns than they do. But the odds are against being able to get the stuff you want with bullets, unless you put the bullets in your own gun, thence to rob and/or kill, which brings up more fundamental issues than dystopian economics…

Returning to the subject at hand, let’s look at other possible media of exchange. How about coffee? Soon to become rare, coming all the way from Central and South America, and valuable as a stimulant. Say, speaking of stimulants, might as well throw some of that Columbian marching powder on the back of the donkey or in the hold of the sailboat as you bring it north…

Hmmm. Sailboat — now there’s an idea — a boat that can carry heavy loads from place to place without fossil fuel. Might be handy to have.

But since not everyone will acquire a sailboat — or a donkey — just in case the world might come to an end, let’s bring this down to a more basic level. How about band-aids and antiseptic ointment? Aspirin? Chapsticks? These are small and inexpensive items, easy to stockpile, that just about everyone will want once the world comes to an end, since there will be a lot of headaches, infections and chapped lips. Two chapsticks for a chicken? Well, alright, I’ll make it three.

We Trust.

Zero Gravity Coffee

You wake up, sleep is crusted in your eyes, your back aches from a night of tossing and turning, and you have a long day ahead of you. Then, you press the magic button that starts the flow of energy. Well, the flow of coffee, but they are one in the same.

I came across a video today, The Zero Gravity Coffee Cup. This grabbed my attention instantly, and I soon began watching a video that explained how coffee is literally an out-of-this-world beverage.

As we all know, there is less gravity in space, but have you ever thought about what that means for astronauts? Apparently, even their piss doesn’t do what it’s supposed to.

All liquids react differently in microgravity, but my friend coffee may be the most bizarre. In order to enjoy a hot cup of joe, astronauts must struggle through the following steps:

  1. Somehow manage to get the coffee in the cup. This is extremely difficult.
  2. Then, throw the years of experience you have drinking liquid out the space station window.
  3. Beware: if you bring the cup to your mouth, that dark liquid will stubbornly refuse to flow.
  4. Now, as your frustration builds, you should angrily shake the cup.
  5. Next, hope and pray that a few splashes will emerge and trickle into your mouth.

All you aspiring space travelers out there, do not despair! There is hope! Scientists have invented a microgravity cup. This cup may look like useless sheets of plastic glued together, but there is method behind the madness. The two surfaces meet close enough that liquid will naturally follow the line. This allows you not only the ability to tip a cup to your mouth, but also allows the liquid to flow into your parched lips.

Creatively and Deliciously Eating Your Words

Hot coffee, sizzling bacon, steaming eggs, melting chocolate, and crisp bread.

Gothic 21 Condensed, Times, Comic Sans, and Courier New.

Until today, I had no idea in hell how these two lists related to each other: food and fonts.

Click-click-click: this is the sound that pours out of my keyboard while I write, well type… Strange isn’t it? I see my words, thoughts, and imaginations pop up on a screen, not in my illegible scrawl, but in Cambria. Have you ever searched through the copious amounts of fonts on your word processor? There are bold fonts, cursive fonts, curvy fonts, tiny fonts, and gibberish fonts. What is the purpose of all these fonts? Surely no human being could ever use them all, or even want to. Apparently, I am not the only loon out there who wastes cranial energy thinking about such things. According to The Huffington Post, a new purpose for this plethora of typed calligraphy is food. Someone looked at all these fonts, and decided they wanted to creatively and deliciously eat their words!

Kotryna Zilinskiene and Migle Vasiliauskaite, and Vytenis Zilinskas and Linas Mikoliūnas created a menu that paired their favorite fonts with their favorite cuisine. They cooked the food, served it, and gave a font history lesson in the process.

Here is a taste of their creativity.

1 kava-maz (1)coffee

Threats of Global Warming

If Adam Twist could hop off the pages of Twist and into 2013, I think he would appreciate this part of Obama’s speech on Tuesday: “The question is not whether we need to act, the question is whether we will have the courage to act before it’s too late.” No truer words could have been spoken. However, it occurs to me, is it already too late? While reading about the president’s speech I found another story that outlines some of things we could lose if global warming continues. There are the obvious things like loss of coral reefs, polar bears, land mass, and fish populations. However, we could also lose some of the little pleasures in life: food and drink. Wine, German beer, honey, peanut butter, chocolate, strawberries, and disturbingly, coffee. These are just some of the many products that global warming threatens. Whether you’re concerned with rising green house gases, melting glaciers, devastated ecosystems, or not being able to get your caffeine fix, we should all think about what a warmer planet will mean.

fire planet

No Substitute For The Almighty Bean!

Here it is, straight from Adam Twist, protagonist of my novel Twist: “My hands shook as I lifted the cup of delicious black liquid from the hissing espresso maker and took a slug of the double shot. I set the cup on the desk and looked out the window at the empty surface of the Wall. It was soothing to watch, like a blank television screen. I waited for the bean to take effect.”
Yeah, he’s serious about his bean! So, let’s talk coffee.
Not the cups of milk, cream, sugar, and syrup you see everywhere, but a real cup of rich Columbian coffee. Whether it’s the allure of the dark glossy beans, or the blissful aroma of a fresh brewed cup of Joe, nothing is better than waking up and pouring a hot cup of the delicious liquid caffeine. Now, not all caffeine was created equal. According to Adam Twist, “Tea was no substitute for the almighty bean.” And according to The Huffington Post, he was right. The almighty bean has more benefits than its heavenly taste. Coffee may help strengthen your muscles and your DNA, improve your skin, and even make you smarter. But wait — what about the awful coffee withdrawal we’ve all experienced? First, you think you’ll be fine; it’s just a cup of coffee you’re missing, right? And then the withdrawal sets in, the dark and twisted evil twin of that delicious brew. But, not to worry, the fix is easy – just pour yourself another cuppa.
Whether you’re in it for the sweet relief from caffeine withdrawal, the health benefits, the taste or the caffeine jolt, there’s only one thing left to do: find the nearest source of java and dive in, mouth first.